“Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.” What Jordan B. Peterson says in regard to self-improvement applies equally to marriages. No marriage becomes a flourishing marriage overnight. It takes time and work.
So, why put in the time and effort? Because the rewards of a flourishing marriage are innumerable. When both spouses feel deeply loved and cared for, able to share their hearts and minds, and able to help each other work toward common goals, the blessings are great not only for themselves but for everyone around them.
How, then, do we build flourishing marriages? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this question. I’ve read thousands of pages on family therapy. I’ve had the privilege of counseling people inside and outside of my congregation and been able to learn from the successes and failures of their marriages. I’ve also discussed marriage with colleagues, friends, and counselors. I’ve also been married for 18 years to the same woman.
Here’s some of what I’ve learned.
There is one verse in the Bible that encapsulates the heart of how marriage ought to work. It is Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
This verse indicates that there is to be a very close union between one man and one woman committed together for one lifetime. This close union becomes the priority for those who are a part of it. The spouses prioritize their own relationship and lessen the importance of other relationships.
Keep that verse in mind, and consider these seven guidelines that I believe flow out of a consideration of Genesis 2:24.
1. Prioritize the marriage relationship over the relationship with your parents. For a marriage to flourish, your relationship with your parents needs to become less important and your relationship with your spouse much more important. Rarely is it a good idea for spouses to seek counsel from their parents when they feel uncomfortable with the marriage relationship.
A friend of mine illustrated this by asking couples in pre-marital counseling, “Where are you going for Thanksgiving and Christmas?” Inevitably, one of them would say, “Going home.” He would then reply, “Where’s home?” He would use that as a hook to explain that home is where your spouse is, not where your parents are.
2. Prioritize the marriage relationship over your relationship with your children. Children easily become allies for one spouse or another in an uncomfortable marriage. It is a temptation to seek the emotional support you were looking for in a spouse in a child. This is not good for the child or the marriage. As one family therapist put it, “Keep the generations in the generations.” He viewed that as the central task in family therapy.
3. Prioritize the marriage relationship over your work. Many men who would never dream of having an affair, end up having an affair with their work. If you want your marriage to flourish, work cannot be a priority over the marriage relationship. Your relationship with your spouse should be a priority over your work.
4. Prioritize the marriage relationship, but don’t isolate it. Every spouse needs friends, interests, and opportunities outside of the marriage relationship. When all your hopes, dreams, and needs are wrapped up in your spouse, you place a burden on them that they cannot fulfill. In their proper place, relationships and interests outside the marriage enrich the marriage
5. Prioritize working on your relationship. It’s one thing to say you prioritize your relationship. It’s another thing to do so. Building relationships takes time. I would strongly suggest some sort of concrete plan to make sure that happens such as a date night or a time where you talk each week or day. Even if it’s just the two of you living at your house, it’s easy to get involved in other things and forget to touch base.
6. Prioritize your spouse’s needs. Everyone naturally begins with his or her own needs and fears. It’s easy to think of your own need for love, companionship, respect, and care. However, if one spouse can have the courage to begin with the other spouse’s needs, then it is more likely that the other spouse will be able to do the same. “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” This is what the Apostle Paul meant when he told wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives: begin with thinking of your contribution to the relationship and what the other spouse needs.
7. Assert your own wants and needs. Some people only think about their own needs. This is the subject of #6. Others never do so. This is not a recipe for a flourishing marriage. As a short-term strategy, you should focus on the other spouse’s needs, but you cannot ignore your own long-term and have a flourishing marriage. You need to assert your own desires and needs.
Note well: this is distinct from telling the other spouse what they should do or rebuking them. Instead of getting angry that your spouse is not sitting in the room with you, tell your spouse that you would like to have their presence and that it would make you feel good. This is risky because it makes you vulnerable. However, without this, other people do not know what you want, can’t easily give you what you want, and feel condemned for not doing something you didn’t ask them to do! This is not a recipe for a flourishing marriage. So, assert your own wants and needs without demanding a response. A gentle assertion of our wants or needs goes a long way.
This may sound like a lot of work. It is! It’s also hard, but a flourishing marriage is one of the best ways to ensure our long-term happiness and bless those around us.
At the same time, most people who are getting married think that their marriage is the exception. They don’t see a big threat. Even those who are in higher risk groups for divorce don’t think that their marriage is a high risk marriage.
In every time period, the subject of the family is likely to set off intense emotions. In our own day, the family has become an intense political issue. This is all aggravated by the breakdown in family structure and the terrible pain often caused by it.