Category: Building Strong Relationships in a Lonely and Painful World

How do we build community, build friendships, and relate well to the people in our lives in spite of the fact that relationships often hurt and bring pain?

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What’s Wrong with the Family?

The family can be one of life’s greatest blessings.

One of my favorite family memories was when over 100 descendants of my Great-Grandparents Clarence and Roberta Keith gathered together for a family reunion in 2014. It was a time of love, encouragement, faith, and fun. I went away refreshed and renewed.

But we don’t always leave family gatherings that way. Family can also inflict some of the deepest wounds.

So many families seem stuck in patterns that are harmful and hurtful rather than helpful and encouraging.

Is there any way out of these family problems?

In order to understand the way out, I think we first need to understand what creates, freezes, and intensifies family problems.

My basic thesis is this. Problems always exist, but blaming others freezes or intensifies family problems. Taking responsibility for one’s own functioning promotes family healing.

Think about it. If we blame other people, there’s very little we can do about it. Our options are limited because our ability to change others is rather limited. On the other side, though it’s not easy to change ourselves, it can be done. If we are to change the way the family relates, then taking responsibility for our own functioning is our best option.

I believe that this is illustrated in the first book of the Bible, Genesis. Genesis shows us that blaming others freezes or intensifies family problems and that when one member takes responsibility for his or her own functioning, there is opportunity for family healing.

Take our first father Adam as an example. The occasion of the family problem was that he did exactly what God told him not to. At that point, he could have taken responsibility. He could have confessed his own sin and apologized to God and his family.

Instead, he blamed his wife. “The woman You gave me . . .” He introduced division into the relationship with his wife by placing the responsibility for the wrong squarely on her shoulders. Remember that Eve did have a role in this, but what Adam ignored was his own role. This brought alienation and shame into the family.

The seriousness of this pattern can be clearly seen in the next generation. God accepted the sacrifice of Abel, Adam and Eve’s son, but not the sacrifice of their other son Cain. The problem was between God and Cain, but what did Cain do? He blamed Abel. The end result was that Cain killed Abel and refused to take responsibility for the murder, even when confronted by God. In this case, blaming intensified the family problem.

One more example of blaming. God promised to Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son, but it took a long time. Women often feel and at that time certainly felt that childlessness was a threat to their identity, and so no doubt Sarah felt very anxious about it. Then, she had to wait many childless years for God’s promise of a child to be fulfilled. No doubt this increased her anxiety. In the midst of this, she came up with a solution that was common in the day but contrary to God’s design (see my article on God’s design for the family ): for Abraham to have a child with her servant Hagar.

The results were predictable. Hagar got pregnant. She begin to see herself as “above” Sarah. Sarah got upset. She blamed Abraham: “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering” (Gen. 16:5). Let’s be clear: Abraham was responsible. He did wrong, but Sarah also did wrong. Blaming only made the situation worse, and it continued to be an issue in the family passing over into the next generation in the relationship between Isaac (Sarah’s son) and Ishmael (Hagar’s son).

When we blame others for the family problems, we freeze them in place or make them worse.

Is there any hope for better?

The answer is, “yes.” Even though the curse introduced family enmity, God had promised something better for Abraham. He would bless him and in his seed “all the families of the earth will be blessed.” God was going to change the family situation.

And how does God bless the families of the earth? Through individuals. By His grace, He enables one person or more persons to act differently and take responsibility for their own functioning. This can begin to shift the family dynamics and bring hope for healing and change. I will flesh this out in my article next week.

For now, it’s worth considering? Where is my family stuck? Where am I subtly or not so subtly blaming the family for the situation and freezing it in place or making it worse? Could I do something to change the dynamics of the family?
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The Influence of a Mother and a Mother’s Mother and . . .

My Great Grandmother Roberta McMillan is the little girl on the bottom left; her parents are Florence Maupin McMillan (middle) and Clyde McMillan (right) with Jairus McMillan, her Grandfather on the left
How much do our mothers influence us? Probably more than we think.

Being a mother is a position of influence in a family, and it is highly significant.

The Apostle Paul had a young apprentice named Timothy. When Paul sent him to the Philippian church, he commended him this way: “I have no one else like him, who will show genuine concern for your welfare” (Phil. 2:21).

Paul taught Timothy and trained him, but Timothy didn’t come out of nowhere. Paul recognized that Timothy was the product of generations: “I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also” (2 Tim. 1:5). Sometimes people make a relatively clean break with the past, but in Timothy’s case, he was following the pattern of the generations.

Most of us tend to think of ourselves as our own person following our own ideas and preferences. We give little thought to how we may be following the patterns of the generations. The more I have learned about my family, the more I have realized that many of the patterns of my life are following patterns set by families long gone.

In my case, I am a minister. Now, I have never thought of that choice as coming out of nowhere.

My Father, Sam White, is a minister. Growing up, however, I never, to my knowledge, thought of being a minister. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that I thought about going in that direction. I think, though, that because my Dad was a minister, it wasn’t a very big jump for me to think of doing the work of a minister.

This isn’t only due to my Father. My Mother, Muriel, is a deeply spiritual woman who talked to my brother and me regularly about spiritual things.

But it’s not too surprising that my Mother is a spiritual woman. Her Father, my Grandfather, David Livingstone Keith, is a minister as well. My Mother was born in South Africa because her Father was serving there as a minister/missionary.

My Great Grandparents Clarence and Roberta McMillan Keith
But it’s not surprising that David Keith was a missionary in South Africa. He was born in Swaziland in the middle of the Republic of South Africa. His parents, Clarence Keith and Roberta McMillan Keith, had left their homes in southern Indiana and gone there in the 1920s as part of the wave of Methodist missionaries that went to South Africa at the turn of the 19th to 20th century.

In 2014, I went to a family reunion with 100 of the descendants of Clarence and Roberta. I was shocked at how alive faith was throughout the family. But really, this is not surprising since all three of their sons served as ministers and three of their five daughters married ministers!

Until this year, I would have considered this strong faith connection as being due to Clarence, and Clarence was a great man whom I admire deeply. However, I now tend to think of Roberta being the major conduit. Continue reading “The Influence of a Mother and a Mother’s Mother and . . .”

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How to Talk About Anything at Any Time to Anyone

When the stakes are high, why is it so difficult to have good conversations?

One thing that keeps us from having a conversation is failing to see that a conversation has two parts. There is the content of the conversation, but there is also a context for the conversation.

The content is the thing that we want to talk about. The context is how we feel about the conversation and the people involved in it.

If someone feels disrespected or threatened (context), it is virtually impossible to discuss what we want to discuss (content).

Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler in their book Crucial Conversations use the metaphor of a pool to explain a conversation. As long as people feel free to put into the pool any of their thoughts, facts, or feelings, the conversation will keep going well. However, as soon as safety and respect break down, people don’t feel like they can freely put their thoughts and feelings into the pool, and the conversation collapses. Once this happens, you have to restore safety and respect in order to resume the conversation.

When you read the Bible, you will find that the Bible encourages us to speak openly about the difficult issues of relationships, morality, and religion. However, it always cautions us to do this with gentleness and respect (1 Pet. 3:15, cf. Gal. 6:1, 2 Tim. 2:24–25 and 4:2). This is the same idea.

So, how do we convey safety and respect in our conversations? Patterson et al. provide a lot of practical wisdom on how to establish safety and respect. Here are a few of their ideas:

  1. Use contrasting to avoid misunderstanding. For example, you could say to your wife: “When are you getting a haircut?” She could easily take this as a criticism of her hair. You can use contrasting to avoid this: “I’m not saying you need to get a haircut, but I remember you saying that you wanted to. I’d like to know what day you plan to do that so I can make sure the car is available for you.”
  2. Be tentative. Try to state how you see things in a way that invites people to talk about the issue. Let’s say you’re dealing with theft in a business. You can talk to the employee that you suspect of stealing by saying, “I’ve looked in the books, and it seems like there is $10,000 missing. Have you noticed that? Do you have any sense of why it might appear that way?” You don’t accuse. You start with the facts and invite someone to give you their understanding of the facts and their interpretation. That’s being tentative in a way that invites conversation on a difficult matter.
  3. Apologize. If you say something in a way that does not communicate safety and respect, apologize. If you show by your facial expressions or words that you don’t respect someone, just say you’re sorry.
  4. Establish mutual purpose. I remember hearing about a couple discussing where they wanted to move. One wanted to move to Kentucky and another to Vermont. Seems like two very diverse goals. However, as they talked about it, they realized that the real reason why the one wanted to move to Vermont was to live in the country and the reason why the other wanted to move to Kentucky was to be near their family. Once they realized that, they could establish a mutual goal of living in the country and near relatives. Our goals are often closer or more compatible than we realize. Step back a little bit, and you may find more mutual purpose than you thought possible

For me, this all means that I need to think not only about what I want to say but how I say it. I need to think about what’s the best way to say what I want to say and not merely the content of what I want to say. Giving attention to the context of a conversation enables me to talk about anything at any time to anyone.

Note: I’ve written a fuller explanation of these same principles in an article that you can read here.

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Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). We should be, but we aren’t.

We’d rather be heard than listen. And why not? Why make the effort to be a listener?

Good reasons. First, if you believe the Bible, God commands us to be listeners. Yep. That’s one of God’s commands.

Now, you may say, well, it’s one of his commands, but is it really that important? Here’s something else the Bible says: “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless” (James 1:26). Ouch!

Second, we have limited knowledge and understanding. If we are going to grow in our knowledge and understanding, we have to listen. If we speak, we only have the resources inside us, but if we listen, we have all the resources of those around us.

Third, listening is the best way to be heard. Everyone wants to be heard and understood. Showing people that we care about their perspective is the best way to ensure that they will also want to hear us. Try it.

On the other side, if we all focus on being heard, then no one will ever be heard. Someone has to get the ball rolling by listening.

Finally, it’s efficient. If we seek to understand people clearly in the beginning, we won’t have to correct all the problems that arise from misunderstanding. Better to take the time to listen in the first place and avoid the problems of misunderstanding altogether.*

The question is, how do we overcome our strong desire to be heard and simply seek to listen to others?

Let me suggest two things that I have found helpful. The first is to write down your thoughts. Writing is similar to discussion. It helps us gain clarity. For me, writing in a journal has made me feel less of a need to talk things out with other people. This frees me up to listen.

This can be especially helpful when you have a strong disagreement with someone. I have heard that Abraham Lincoln recommended the following when you are in a conflict with someone: write a letter and tell them exactly how you feel . . . and then throw that letter in the fire.

The second thing is to share your thoughts with God. People are generally not that interested in your thoughts, but God, amazingly, is! He wants to hear from us more than we want to speak to Him. Why not try sharing your thoughts with God? Besides being a gracious and compassionate God who wants to hear from His children, He has more resources than anybody else to help with our struggles.

Let everyone be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. A wonderful aspiration. If we can do it, we will not only bless others, we will be much more likely to be heard.
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*Note: This insight and the title of this article “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” is the 5th habit in Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

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Gossip: The Best Way Not to Help Your Marriage (Or Any Relationship)

How important are conversations? Here’s one claim: “At the heart of almost all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams, and our relationships lie crucial conversations–ones that we’re either not holding or not holding well.” That’s what the research of Kerry Patterson et al. suggests. You can read about their research in the very helpful book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High, (Chicago: McGraw Hill, 2012).

Think about your own life. It’s ironic how many of us have things in our families, workplace, and relationships that we feel are off limits for conversation. How long would your list of conversations be that you would like to have but feel that you can’t?

Looking at our broader society, there is more talk than ever before, but so much of it is tribal, just talking to people with whom we agree. When it comes to talking one-on-one with people on the other side of the political or ecclesiastical or familial aisle, there is much less talk. These are conversations we’re not having.

One interesting thing about the Bible is that it has a very different perspective on conversations. If we have a problem with someone, we should talk to them. “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you” (Matthew 18:15). This doesn’t mean we’re just letting off steam. It tells us everywhere in Scripture that we should do this in the right way: “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently” (Gal. 6:1).

If we should talk to people directly about even moral failings, how much more in matters of wisdom or strategy or finances or political views? We should be able to talk about these things openly and reasonably.

But that’s not what most of us do. Instead, we use what I call the best way not to help our relationships: gossip. Gossip is talking about difficulties you have others to someone other than that person. According to Merriam-Webster, a gossip is “a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others.”

Why is gossip the best way not to deal with things? Because it feels good to gossip. “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts.” Gossip is like McDonald’s French Fries.

Why does it feel good? It builds a sort of intimacy with the person with whom you share the gossip. We like that feeling. It also provides some relief. When you are struggling with a difficult relationship, it feels good to let off steam. It also gets the focus off our own issues.

So, if it feels so good, why not do it?

  1. It doesn’t solve anything. Letting off steam freezes an issue in place by relieving the pressure without doing anything to make it better.
  2. People feel betrayed. How do you feel when you find out that two of your best friends are talking about the problems they have with you? The Proverbs tell us: “a gossip separates close friends” (Prov. 16:28).
  3. It’s generally unjust. The Proverbs warn: “In a lawsuit the first to speak seems right, until someone comes forward and cross-examines” (Prov. 18:17). How many times have we heard one side of the story, and thought we had the whole story, only to find upon hearing the other side that there were things we had totally missed? It’s not fair to make a judgment based on hearing one side, however plausible it may seem and however much the person sharing the gossip may want us to take their side (cf. John 7:51).
  4. For the Christian, it is forbidden. “Do not go about spreading slander among your people . . . I am the LORD” (Lev. 19:16)

The best case scenario is that it doesn’t solve the problem. Worst case scenario is that it inflames it.

So, how do we get the strength to talk to people about difficult issues? In the weeks to come, I plan to write more on the items below, but here is a summary.

  1. Drink deeply of God’s love for you. People are important, but sometimes we make them more important than they are. God’s love is the ultimate source of love. People will disappoint us, but God is faithful. His love will never fail. The more we live out of God’s love, the less we will be reactive to how people respond to us.
  2. Learn to listen. Don’t start a conversation trying to prove your point. Ask questions, and listen carefully to the answers. James, the brother of Jesus, advised the church: “Let every person be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
  3. Show gentleness and respect. Learn to make things safe for people to share their opinion, and show that you honor them, even if you disagree with their particular perspective or action.
  4. Connect with people in an encouraging way. Our inclination should be to see the best in others and to view others as better than ourselves (Phil. 2:3–4). If we connect with people when the heat is off and take an encouraging stance, it’s much easier to talk about hard things when we need to.

One final warning here. I would encourage you to take this simply as advice for yourself. Don’t send it to someone whom you think is a gossip. King Solomon gave this very sound advice: “Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you—for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others” (Ecclesiastes 7:22–23).

I challenge you for the rest of the week not to talk to anyone about problems you have with other people. Try it, and just see what happens. I think you will find it an interesting experiment. And if during that week, you really feel the need to talk about others, talk about them to God in prayer. Silent prayer.

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