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The Amazing Benefit of Friendships & How to Build Them

When David was in despair and running for his life from King Saul, his dear friend Jonathan knew he had to visit David and encourage him. At this low point in his life, Jonathan “helped him find strength in God” (1 Sam. 23:16). Friendships are valuable for many things, but their value shines forth most brilliantly in the trying times of life.

Alan Loy McGinness in his book The Friendship Factor recounts a time where he was counseling a woman who was struggling with a variety of issues. He asked her, do you have a friend with whom you can share these things? She said that she did. They ended up agreeing that this friendship was sufficient for her and that he did not need to see her. That’s the amazing benefit of a good friendship.

Do you have people with whom you can share your struggles? Very often, people today seem to have less close friends with whom they can share their struggles (see some statistics on this and some helpful thoughts on it in the article here). We’ve got more Facebook “friends” than ever, but it seems that people keep more of their struggles to themselves than ever before. Why is that?

In my view, it is because relationships and friendships take time to develop. Aristotle said, before you can have a friend, you need to eat a pound of salt. You’ve eaten together so many times that the little bits of salt you added to your meals add up to a pound. It takes a long time. 

For many people, college is the time when they make some solid friendships. I certainly did. One reason for that is that I ate meal after meal with a small group of people and regularly with many others. Over time, we talked and developed strong friendships. I didn’t set out to do this. It just happened.

After college, we ask, why can’t I make good friends? We forget that we ate a pound of salt with our college of friends, and so we don’t realize the investment required to build good friendships. In order to build friendships, you have to make them a priority and put in the time. If we don’t see the time it takes to make a friendship, we won’t make the time investment that we need in order to build a friendship.

So, where do you start? Probably the worst way is to go around saying: “Will you be my friend”? It’s ironic, but you can’t make friends by trying.

You have to come alongside people and find common interests. The Catholic theologian Josef Pieper put it well:

Friends do not gaze at each other, and totally unlike erotic lovers they are not apt to talk about their friendship. Their gaze is fixed upon the things in which they take common interest. That is why, it has been said, people who simply wish for a “a friend” will with fair certainty not find any. To find a friend you first have to be interested in something (43).

Start with things you are interested in. Think broadly here: family, church, history, gardening, baseball. Then, enjoy these things with other people and talk about them. Over time, you will find that some of the people you do these things with will become friends.

Friendship starts with common interest but move beyond it. The common interest and side by side fellowship develops a camaraderie that knits our souls together (1 Sam. 18:1) and connects people even to the children and grandchildren of our friends (2 Sam. 9:1). But warning: you can’t short circuit this process or demand it. It has to happen organically.

One reason that friendships become so strong is because over time you go through trials together. Some of these trials are tests to the relationship itself. Some of these trials are outside the relationships. No doubt Peter loved Jesus all the more after Jesus forgave Peter for denying him. It’s strange, but the relationship was stronger for the failing.

By the end of Jesus’ life on earth, He and His disciples had been through a lot together. Jesus said, “You are those who have stood by me in my trials” (Luke 22:8). This had forged a deep bond between them. “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends . . .”

Having friends who walk with us is one of life’s great blessings. It’s not impossible or unattainable. You just have to recognize that friendships take time, and that you must make the time for them. There’s no shortcut. Like most good things in life, friendships require a significant investment. 

 

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The Blood of the Covenant & the Ten Commandments

The law of God is holy, righteous, and good. The law of God is glorious. God presented it in an audible voice to the people of Israel (see Exodus 19) in a dramatic way. The law presents the divine will for our lives. If we could live according to God’s law, we would fulfill our destiny as human beings and reflect the divine glory like a mirror reflecting the glory of the sun.

The law is holy, righteous, and good, but I am sold under sin. That’s also what the Apostle Paul and our experience teaches us. When we hear what God is telling us to do, sin is right there with us.  We take the good thing God commands, and we so often go in the opposite direction. This is what the Israelites experienced. They heard God speaking to them, and they immediately built a golden calf as an image of Jehovah in direct contradiction to God’s commandment.

And that’s why we need grace. We need the grace of forgiveness. We also need the grace of God to empower us to obey His commandments. That is the truth that God presents in the Old and the New Testaments.

After the giving of the law, Moses built an altar and offered sacrifices on it. Then, he took the blood and put it in bowls. He took part of the blood and splashed it on the altar. What did he do with the other half? “Moses then took the blood, sprinkled it on the people and said, ‘This is the blood of the covenant that the LORD has made with you . . .'” (Ex. 24:8).

This all may seem strange, but it is not the first time people apply blood in the book of Exodus. At the first Passover, the Israelites applied the blood of the lamb to the doorposts so that the angel of death would pass over them and not strike their firstborn. They were saved by the blood of the lamb. They then ate and drank the Passover meal.

Something similar happens here. The elders of the Israel went up before the Lord, and they saw the God of Israel. Now note: “But God did not raise his hand against these leaders of the Israelites; they saw God, and they ate and drank” (v. 11).  They were saved by the blood of the covenant!

It is very important for us to see that God gives His law in this context. Grace is the context of the giving of the law in Exodus, and grace is consistent with the law. The goal of saving the people of Israel is so that they would be the virtuous, good, and obedient people who reflect God’s glory in their lives individually and collectively.

The next time we encounter the phrase “blood of the covenant” in Scripture is in Zechariah. There, God promises deliverance because of the blood of the covenant: “As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit” (9:11).

After that, the next time we encounter that phrase is the familiar words of Jesus Himself. “This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins” (Matt. 26:28). How striking that this phrase is pronounced at the Passover meal! The disciples ate and drank with Jesus just like at Mount Sinai and at the Passover. The blood of the covenant is presented to them as the foundation of their lives and peace with God.

Another possible parallel. The Israelites said they would obey God fully and then immediately disobeyed Him. In the same way, Peter and the Apostles all said that they will not abandon the Lord and then immediately go out and abandon Him.

But Jesus brings restoration. The blood of the covenant not their obedience is the foundation of the covenant. Jesus came to them after His resurrection with restoration and called them again to obedience and to teach obedience, “teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you” (28:19).

The law of God presents to us a beautiful picture of what humanity should be. However, we have all sinned. We have broken this glorious law. The result should have been our death, but God intervened with the blood of the covenant. The blood of the covenant brings forgiveness and restores us to new obedience. That was true in Exodus and the Old Testament, and it is true in Matthew and the New Testament.

God bring this together beautifully in the benediction at the end of the book of Hebrews: “Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen” (Heb. 13:20–21).

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Discerning God’s Will for Your Life

Who should I marry? What job should I pursue? Should I move to a new place? Should I switch churches?

When we think of discerning God’s will for our lives, these are the questions we often think about.

The irony of these questions is that the Bible has little to say about them in general and, of course, no specific answer to them. The Bible does have wisdom on these subjects, but they are not major themes.

Why, then, do we bring in the subject of God’s will when it comes to making choices about our life situation?

Perhaps one reason is that we believe that happiness and the good life hang in the balance with these decisions. We believe that we need the right job, church, spouse, or home to be happy.

But what if our happiness does not depend on them? Could it be that God says so little about these decisions because He has a different view of what a happy life is? Could it be that God does not believe our happiness is rooted in what job we have or what school we attend?

God does have a different view. The Bible has a lot to say about discerning God’s will, but it relates primarily to the type of people we are. I believe that God’s view is that our happpiness is rooted in what type of people we are not in ourward circumstances.

For example, God gave the Ten Commandments as an expression of His will for our lives. These commandments speak to what type of people we are. They call us to put God first in our hearts and lives. They call us to live patient, chaste, temperate, just, and honest lives. According to the Bible, these qualities are what makes us good, happy, and blessed.

This means that whether we live in Michigan, Great Britain, Australia, Africa, or North Dakota, the primary factor in our happiness is not these places or the people in them. It is the type of people we are in those places. As the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius wrote in his <em>Meditations</em>: “Where a man can live, there he can live well.”

If we are the type of people that God wants us to be, then we can be happy whatever the circumstances and whatever the situation. If we love God above everything else, then we have access to Him in any job, place, marriage, or school. Faith in God’s goodness and love for us enables us to say: “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether living in plenty or in want” (Phil. 4:12).

We should not doubt that God wants us to be happy. The trouble is that we pursue things (even good things) that will not get us there. Happiness is not found in the circumstances and people in our lives. It is found in God and His love for us. It is found in being the type of people God wants us to be. The result of being what God wants us to be is joy and peace that enables us to love God and humans well.

God’s will for us is to be happy, and He has told us the way. It is by becoming the type of people who reflect His glory by how we live. There is no question or debate that this is God’s will for our lives. It is not that hard to discern. Living it is the challenge, a challenge we can only meet by God’s grace in Christ.

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The Glory of the Law

What is the best way for humans to live? How can we be truly happy?

People may not discuss these questions explicitly, but all around us, people give answers to those questions. They tell us that we will be happy if we have a full head of hair, white teeth, big homes, and new cars. That is the good life. That is real living. Commercials present this vision of the good life to us a thousand times every day.

People also have strong opinions about the right way for people to live. John Ortberg explains (here) that people talk about it every day. Just listen to their conversations. People have so many complaints about what other people have done to them. They believe that others haven’t lived how they were supposed to live. However, it’s clear from their own lives that they haven’t lived according to the human ideal either!

So, how should we live? What will give us true happiness?

What if God came down from heaven and told us exactly how to live to be truly human and happy?

Well, that’s what He’s done. The book of Exodus describes God coming down to Mount Sinai. There, He spoke audibly to the entire people of Israel. They heard God’s voice. There, He told them how to live. He gave the Ten Commandments.

What do you think of when you hear the word “law”? It’s easy to get a negative view of it. Many Christians speak of the law in a negative way.

This is in part based on some of the ways the Bible speaks. The Bible recognizes that the law can tell us what to do, but the law can’t help us when we have broken the law or give us power to fulfill the law. Only God can do that.

We must be very clear, however, that the law is not the problem. We are the problem. As the Apostle Paul said: “So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. . . but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin” (Rom. 7:12, 14).

When we think of the law, we should not have a negative reaction. We should think like the Psalmist: “Oh how I love Thy law, it is my meditation all day long!” (Psalm 119:97).

When we think of the law, we should think of glory. It is a glorious thing that God has spoken to us and told us exactly and clearly how to live. It is a wondrous thing that God has given us His commandments.

The Apostle Paul says that though the law condemns us, this does not mean that the law is not glorious. Instead, we should think this way: “If the ministry that brought condemnation was glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness!” (2 Cor. 3:9).

The opinions of people and the message of the world present a way of living that will disappoint us and not lead us to the happiness we desire. Praise God that He has revealed to us the right way to live and be happy! Praise God that He has given us His commandments! Praise Him even more that He offer us His Spirit, who enables us to obey His commandments.

So, let it be our prayer: “Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven” and “command what you want, O Lord, and give what you command!”

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Moving Beyond Happy Meals: Asking the Bigger Questions

It’s easy to live our lives and ignore bigger questions. Most people only ask bigger questions when something shakes up their world such as the death of a spouse, serious financial loss, or a life-threatening illness.

These “bigger” questions are the fundamental questions of human existence. They unite all human beings because all human beings have to confront them. They are always just the under the surface of our daily interactions.

They are questions such as these:

  • Why am I here?
  • Am I significant or valuable?
  • What is my purpose in life?
  • What is the best way to live?
  • What do I think of death?
  • What is the best way to live?
  • What will make us truly happy?
  • What is right and just and good?
  • Who or what is God?
  • What is success?
  • How much is enough?
  • What is the significance of other people?
  • How did the world come to be?

These and many more questions like them are the fundamental and most important questions of human existence.

Even if we do not think much about them or answer them with a great deal of clarity, we do have answers to these questions that we live by. For example, we all want to feel that we are valuable. Most of us base our value on what we do or what people think of us. As a result, our feelings of value fluctuate based on how well our relationships are going or whether or not we are doing something we deem valuable. If a relationship ends or our ability to work diminishes, then we can face a serious crisis of identity.

When it comes to the best life, the world around us presents answers to that question that fill our minds. The corporate world basically tells us that the best life is going to Disney World on vacation and eating meals at McDonald’s. That’s what will make us happy. Happy meals!

The corporations of the world make money based on the very powerful desire of each of us for immediate pleasure and comfort. We all have a sort of default to seek our immediate comfort and pleasure. It takes thought, imagination, and discipline to seek any good beyond these things.

The question is, are these things really the things worth pursuing? Do we really need more stuff? Will vacations truly satisfy us? Is eating out truly the best way for humans to enjoy life? Is there a higher and ethical purpose that cannot be easily marketed? What about God? What about people?

Even if we have bigger answers to these bigger questions, it’s not easy to put them into practice. We may believe that we are valuable because God values us and loves us. However, when humans reject us, we feel like we have no value. It’s hard to live by the answers we have thought through.

Now, this may change if something in our world shatters apart. This is often the driver to change. But we don’t need to wait. We can be intentional about asking the bigger questions, seeking to change our mindset to be more in accord with our answers, and then begin to implement the results of our thinking. We have minds and hearts that can move beyond the daily routine into something bigger, so why not do it?

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