Our brain is like Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good.
This year, I started a new practice. At the end of each week, I have written a summary of that week. And what comes to my mind immediately when I start writing? The bad. I have to look back at my calendar and think harder to remember the good things. The good thing about forcing myself to do this is that by the end of the exercise I usually feel much better about the week!
The bad things tend to stick; the good things fade away.
The same is true with people. We notice the things in people that bother us. We think about them . . . over and over again. But the good things about them? Often not a passing thought.
Then, we either say the negative things or distance from people based on our negative views. Our relationship deteriorates. When we need to talk about something important, there is only a negative context for the discussion. Then, we blame the other person for not listening!
The result is a crazy cycle of negative reaction and counter-reaction where we never really get anywhere.
Is there a better way? I believe that God wants us to reverse this tendency. He wants us to focus on the good and put much less emphasis on the bad. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29).
Be an encourager.
What is encouragement? Encouragement is saying something that will help build people up and take the next steps in their journey.
How do we encourage people? Let me suggest five ways.
1. Help people see how much God loves and cares for them. It’s easy to see God as distant and uncaring about what we do, but He loves us more than we can imagine (Eph. 3:14–19).
2. Help people see that God’s power is available. He is able and willing to do more than we could ask or imagine (Eph. 3:20–21).
3. Help people see that suffering is part of life. Suffering can lead us to give up. Stories wisely and gently told about our own suffering can remind people that suffering is part of life and not completely bad. Suffering provides opportunity for growth.
4. Help people see the good that is in them. If you see something good in someone, tell them. Period. There’s simply no downside to doing so.
5. Help people see the resource they already have. We have brains, skills, and people in our lives that can help us take those next steps. Blindness to our resources inhibits forward movement in our journey.
I enjoy hiking. I have hiked all 5 trails that ascend to Mount LeConte. To hike up and back from Mount LeConte is a minimum of 10 miles and a 1-3,000 foot ascent.
On two of my hikes, I have taken some of my children with me.
Before those hikes, none of my children had hiked that far. They would often want to quit hiking after walking a mile, yet they chose to take the bold step of hiking 12-14 miles (variation based on the trail).
They chose to try it, and they succeeded.
Now, whenever I look at the Southern horizon in our county, I can point to Mount LeConte and say, as I often do. “There’s Mount LeConte. Do you remember how you climbed it? You have a lot more in you than you think you do.”
And what happens when we become encouragers? We help other people. The wisdom of God says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Prov. 16:24). We have the power to heal with our words.
But what also help ourselves. If we are encouragers, then what happens when we need to talk about difficult or important issues? The way opens. When people know we are for them, they are much better prepared to listen to any concern we bring up.
So, be an encourager.