Depolarizing the Polarized Community

Polarization is the process of a group or family dividing into two camps that are mutually opposed to one another. Anxiety is high, and the only options the participants can see are victory or defeat. It’s what some call “either/or” thinking.

This is often the state of families when they come to counseling. Thus, the job of the counselor is to reduce anxiety and help the family to see more options.

A good example of this state of polarization in the Bible is the family of Jacob. Tension had been building for generations in this family. When Jacob ended up with children by four different wives, there was constant maneuvering between the wives for Jacob’s favor. Leah especially resented Rachel’s place of favor in Jacob’s heart and bed. In spite of her position of favor, Rachel felt threatened by the other wives and their children.

This tension played itself out in the next generation. It was the children of Leah, Bilhah, and Zilpah against the children of Rachel, especially Joseph, Rachel’s eldest. The Bible tells us, “When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him” (Genesis 37:4). Eventually, it came to a point where the only option they saw to this intolerable state of affaris was the elimination of Joseph.

Notice in this story that the brothers always tended to act together. They all herd the flock. They all hate Joseph. They all go to Jacob. They all go down to Egypt. They had trouble being different from one another. This is also a characteristic of polarization. You have to act in conformity with your “side.”

It is hard to act out of principle and thinking in a state of polarization. When the brothers wanted to kill Joseph, Reuben actually felt that he should act differently. He desired to save Joseph, but he feared taking a stand against his brothers’ strong opinion. So, he ended up trying to act secretly and the result was that he acted ineffectively. Meanwhile Judah did make a suggestion to Joseph into slavery rather than killing him. The herd of brothers moved quickly in that direction together.

Was there any way out? Were there any other options?

Yes. Virtually innumerable options.

Polarization makes us think that our choices are limited, but they almost never are.

Let me just give you a few examples. They could have left the tension between Jacob and his wives between Jacob and his wives. The children of the wives could have refused to take sides with their mothers against Rachel and by extension Jacob. One person could have reached out to Joseph. One person could have said that he was not going to listen to the gossip about Joseph. One person could have stated a different opinion about Joseph. Joseph could have refused the coat. The brothers could have accepted the fact that their father had a favorite and decided to be OK with it. And on and on.

There are always more options than one thinks. One just has to step back from the emotional intensity of the situation, use a little imagination to see those options, and then act on them.

That’s how one person can begin to depolarize a polarized situation.

Hope for the Family

I remember one woman in a small group who said, “I struggle so much. I look at all of you, and it seems like you all have got it all together.”

I responded, “Trust me. As a Pastor, I can say without a doubt that if you just scratch below the surface a little bit, you will find that things aren’t as good as they seem.”

In fact, there is nothing like family to produce emotional distress. Hardly any family goes unscathed. There is almost always conflict or distance in one form of the other. We like to present a good face, but struggles with family are very real.

Is there any hope?

I believe that there is hope for the family because of God’s blessing on the family (Gen. 1:26–28). Some may ask, isn’t that before the fall? Yes, but God renews the blessing after the fall even though the thoughts of man’s heart are only evil from his youth up (see Gen. 8:20–9:7). God still stands behind the family and offers His blessing.

In addition, when evil and family disharmony were introduced into the world, God promised that it wouldn’t go on forever. Through a future child of the family, a descendant of the woman, God would crush the head of the serpent and turn back the effects of evil (see Gen. 3:15). When God announced that this person would come through Abraham, He said that all the families of the earth would be blessed through him! (Gen. 12:1–3).

We all have difficulties and trials that we face as families. Some our own responsibility. Others are not. How we respond to these trials and stresses determines the shape of our family problems. In my last post, I explained that blaming others freezes or intensifies family problems. As long as we blame others, there is no hope for family healing.

The flip side is also true. God heals families, but He does it by empowering one individual to stop blaming and claim responsibility for his or her own actions. When that happens, family dynamics can change, and the door opens for family healing.

What does this look like?

  1. When one person takes responsibility to do what is right. It’s amazing how often we float around wondering what’s the right course of action, unsure of what to do. If we just stop and think through what God wants us to do and then do it (irrespective of people’s reactions), we can make a difference.

    This is obvious from the book of Genesis. Abraham passes on some unhealthy patterns to his children such as favoritism and passivity. However, he also passes on a legacy of faith that continues to flower in the generations to come by following God’s commands and committing to the regular public worship of God (see for example, Gen. 26:23–26 and 35:1–4, 7). Note also that the actions of parents are a much greater influence over our children than we tend to believe, as this article illustrates.

  2. When one person is willing to be vulnerable, things can change. When Judah volunteered to take Benjamin’s place as Joseph’s slave out of concern for his father, Joseph broke down and wept, and the family began a process of healing.
  3. When one person is willing to listen rather than defending or attacking, the family can begin the process of change. Often times, people are so caught up in defending their position that they cannot really “hear” the others.
  4. When one person takes responsibility to confess their sins, the family can begin to change. As I wrote in my last post, Adam, Cain, Sarah, and many others blame others and miss their own responsibility. What if they had started by confessing their own sin?
  5. When one person takes responsibility to extend forgiveness without demanding anything from anyone else, the family can heal. Joseph is a beautiful example of this. He learned to say that he would let go of the physical and emotional abuse he had experienced at the hand of his brothers. He said it was evil, but he also let it go. This opened the door for family healing.

God is at work bring blessing instead of curse to the families of the earth through Jesus. He invites each one of us to be a part of it, not by changing others but by taking responsibility for our own actions and role in the family. By His grace, there is hope for the family.

What’s Wrong with the Family?

The family can be one of life’s greatest blessings.

One of my favorite family memories was when over 100 descendants of my Great-Grandparents Clarence and Roberta Keith gathered together for a family reunion in 2014. It was a time of love, encouragement, faith, and fun. I went away refreshed and renewed.

But we don’t always leave family gatherings that way. Family can also inflict some of the deepest wounds.

So many families seem stuck in patterns that are harmful and hurtful rather than helpful and encouraging.

Is there any way out of these family problems?

In order to understand the way out, I think we first need to understand what creates, freezes, and intensifies family problems.

My basic thesis is this. Problems always exist, but blaming others freezes or intensifies family problems. Taking responsibility for one’s own functioning promotes family healing.

Think about it. If we blame other people, there’s very little we can do about it. Our options are limited because our ability to change others is rather limited. On the other side, though it’s not easy to change ourselves, it can be done. If we are to change the way the family relates, then taking responsibility for our own functioning is our best option.

I believe that this is illustrated in the first book of the Bible, Genesis. Genesis shows us that blaming others freezes or intensifies family problems and that when one member takes responsibility for his or her own functioning, there is opportunity for family healing.

Take our first father Adam as an example. The occasion of the family problem was that he did exactly what God told him not to. At that point, he could have taken responsibility. He could have confessed his own sin and apologized to God and his family.

Instead, he blamed his wife. “The woman You gave me . . .” He introduced division into the relationship with his wife by placing the responsibility for the wrong squarely on her shoulders. Remember that Eve did have a role in this, but what Adam ignored was his own role. This brought alienation and shame into the family.

The seriousness of this pattern can be clearly seen in the next generation. God accepted the sacrifice of Abel, Adam and Eve’s son, but not the sacrifice of their other son Cain. The problem was between God and Cain, but what did Cain do? He blamed Abel. The end result was that Cain killed Abel and refused to take responsibility for the murder, even when confronted by God. In this case, blaming intensified the family problem.

One more example of blaming. God promised to Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son, but it took a long time. Women often feel and at that time certainly felt that childlessness was a threat to their identity, and so no doubt Sarah felt very anxious about it. Then, she had to wait many childless years for God’s promise of a child to be fulfilled. No doubt this increased her anxiety. In the midst of this, she came up with a solution that was common in the day but contrary to God’s design (see my article on God’s design for the family ): for Abraham to have a child with her servant Hagar.

The results were predictable. Hagar got pregnant. She begin to see herself as “above” Sarah. Sarah got upset. She blamed Abraham: “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering” (Gen. 16:5). Let’s be clear: Abraham was responsible. He did wrong, but Sarah also did wrong. Blaming only made the situation worse, and it continued to be an issue in the family passing over into the next generation in the relationship between Isaac (Sarah’s son) and Ishmael (Hagar’s son).

When we blame others for the family problems, we freeze them in place or make them worse.

Is there any hope for better?

The answer is, “yes.” Even though the curse introduced family enmity, God had promised something better for Abraham. He would bless him and in his seed “all the families of the earth will be blessed.” God was going to change the family situation.

And how does God bless the families of the earth? Through individuals. By His grace, He enables one person or more persons to act differently and take responsibility for their own functioning. This can begin to shift the family dynamics and bring hope for healing and change. I will flesh this out in my article next week.

For now, it’s worth considering? Where is my family stuck? Where am I subtly or not so subtly blaming the family for the situation and freezing it in place or making it worse? Could I do something to change the dynamics of the family?

7 Norms for the Family

In every time period, the subject of the family is likely to set off intense emotions. In our own day, the family has become an intense political issue. This is all aggravated by the breakdown in family structure and the terrible pain often caused by it.

How can we find our way out of it?

Finding our way out of the messes in which we find our families requires a clear sense of the goals, ideals, or norms that a family should pursue.

In the book of Genesis, we have a picture of the family prior to the rupture of family relationships. This is helpful for our families and for the proper understanding of the book of Genesis. As you read through Genesis 3–50, you find a lot of messed up families and questionable family situations (like multiple wives). How are we to evaluate them? I believe that Genesis 1–2 gives us the answer.

Let me suggest 7 norms for the well-functioning family based on Genesis 1:26–2:25.

  1. God is at the center of a well-functioning family. God made the family and blessed it (Gen. 1:26–28). Often families have trouble because they are only looking at one another and not seeing the God who is above them all. They seek from their families things only God can give. This creates frustration and struggle.
  2. Children are a blessing. Children today are often viewed negatively, but God gave the command to be fruitful and multiply. He wanted more people on earth. “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him” (Psalm 127:3).
  3. Continue reading “7 Norms for the Family”

The Old Testament: The Big Picture

A friend of mine asked me to help him understand the Old Testament. He’s reading it, but he wanted a framework for thinking about its individual parts, the 39 books that make up the Old Testament. Here are two different perspectives on the big picture of the Old Testament.

The first is a framework for thinking about its construction–how we got the books that we got. The second is a framework for thinking about its meaning or spiritual significance. In each successive age, God revealed new things about His plan for the world.

Construction of the Old Testament

  1. The first major period of construction of the Old Testament was in the lifetime of Moses. He described how Israel became a nation and gave them a constitution for the religious and political life of the divinely chosen nation. You find this material in Genesis-Joshua.
  2. The second major period was the establishment of the Monarchy under David and Solomon. David built the temple to replace the portable tent for God’s worship. He then wrote and compiled songs for temple worship. We call these “psalms,” a word that really just means “songs.” Solomon wrote a significant amount of what is called the wisdom literature, applying God’s wisdom to all of life. You can read the history of this period in the books of 1 and 2 Samuel and the first part of 1 Kings. The wisdom literature of Solomon is found in Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Solomon.
  3. Continue reading “The Old Testament: The Big Picture”