I remember one woman in a small group who said, “I struggle so much. I look at all of you, and it seems like you all have got it all together.”
I responded, “Trust me. As a Pastor, I can say without a doubt that if you just scratch below the surface a little bit, you will find that things aren’t as good as they seem.”
In fact, there is nothing like family to produce emotional distress. Hardly any family goes unscathed. There is almost always conflict or distance in one form of the other. We like to present a good face, but struggles with family are very real.
Is there any hope?
I believe that there is hope for the family because of God’s blessing on the family (Gen. 1:26–28). Some may ask, isn’t that before the fall? Yes, but God renews the blessing after the fall even though the thoughts of man’s heart are only evil from his youth up (see Gen. 8:20–9:7). God still stands behind the family and offers His blessing.
In addition, when evil and family disharmony were introduced into the world, God promised that it wouldn’t go on forever. Through a future child of the family, a descendant of the woman, God would crush the head of the serpent and turn back the effects of evil (see Gen. 3:15). When God announced that this person would come through Abraham, He said that all the families of the earth would be blessed through him! (Gen. 12:1–3).
We all have difficulties and trials that we face as families. Some our own responsibility. Others are not. How we respond to these trials and stresses determines the shape of our family problems. In my last post, I explained that blaming others freezes or intensifies family problems. As long as we blame others, there is no hope for family healing.
The flip side is also true. God heals families, but He does it by empowering one individual to stop blaming and claim responsibility for his or her own actions. When that happens, family dynamics can change, and the door opens for family healing.
What does this look like?
- When one person takes responsibility to do what is right. It’s amazing how often we float around wondering what’s the right course of action, unsure of what to do. If we just stop and think through what God wants us to do and then do it (irrespective of people’s reactions), we can make a difference.
This is obvious from the book of Genesis. Abraham passes on some unhealthy patterns to his children such as favoritism and passivity. However, he also passes on a legacy of faith that continues to flower in the generations to come by following God’s commands and committing to the regular public worship of God (see for example, Gen. 26:23–26 and 35:1–4, 7). Note also that the actions of parents are a much greater influence over our children than we tend to believe, as this article illustrates.
- When one person is willing to be vulnerable, things can change. When Judah volunteered to take Benjamin’s place as Joseph’s slave out of concern for his father, Joseph broke down and wept, and the family began a process of healing.
- When one person is willing to listen rather than defending or attacking, the family can begin the process of change. Often times, people are so caught up in defending their position that they cannot really “hear” the others.
- When one person takes responsibility to confess their sins, the family can begin to change. As I wrote in my last post, Adam, Cain, Sarah, and many others blame others and miss their own responsibility. What if they had started by confessing their own sin?
- When one person takes responsibility to extend forgiveness without demanding anything from anyone else, the family can heal. Joseph is a beautiful example of this. He learned to say that he would let go of the physical and emotional abuse he had experienced at the hand of his brothers. He said it was evil, but he also let it go. This opened the door for family healing.
God is at work bring blessing instead of curse to the families of the earth through Jesus. He invites each one of us to be a part of it, not by changing others but by taking responsibility for our own actions and role in the family. By His grace, there is hope for the family.