When people get in deep trouble, they often realize that they need to talk to somebody about it. It’s a correct instinct. There is tremendous help in talking to people about our problems and hearing their perspectives on it. Sometimes, the mere act of sharing our problems can reduce our anxiety significantly.
One of my favorite illustrations of this is the story of Jonathan and David in the Bible. Jonathan’s father Saul was seeking to kill David. Eventually, David got wearied and was, understandably, discouraged. 1 Samuel 23:16 says, “And Saul’s son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.” How did He do this? Jonathan reminded him of God’s promises. “Don’t be afraid. . . . My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this” (v. 17). David knew this, but the promises had new power coming from the lips of a friend.
I have had this experience myself. One time I walked into church and was discouraged about some difficult relationships I was experiencing. One of our deacons saw me and asked, “Are you OK?”
I told him, “Not really. I’m struggling with some relationships.”
“Relationships are hard.” He said. He was repeating something back to me what I was preaching that month. I was preaching on Jesus and relationships. One sermon was basically explaining that relationships are hard, hard for Jesus and hard for us. I knew that they were. I knew Jesus experienced this, too. However, when I heard it from a friend, it had a power that it did not have in my own head. I walked away from that brief encounter much strengthened and ready to meet the challenges of the day.
That’s what Eric Johnson observed in his book, Foundations for Soul Care: A Christian Psychology Proposal. It is rather amazing, but dialogue about past events can bring healing. He wrote, “Such dialogue challenges counselees to bring out into the open their latent psychospiritual dynamic structures through explication, and this seems to lead to their undoing” (481).
That’s the power of counseling. Talking helps. When we keep things to ourselves, we often cannot find relief, strength, or a way forward. When we talk about our problems, we find comfort, wisdom, and aid. The wise man, said Solomon, is one who seeks counsel. “Plans fail for lack of counsel,” he says, “but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). He also says, “in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (11:14).
The counseling profession is a reflection of what our normal life should be. We are not meant to live alone. We function best when we can talk to people about our problems, ideas, and plans.
So, here are two recommendations. First, be a person who talks to people about the issues in their lives. This begins with listening, but it also means teaching. Often, we look at the world and see that people are not acting in a way that is best for them. We get frustrated. I like the advice of Marcus Aurelius, “Men exist for the sake of each other. Teach them or bear with them” (Meditations, 8.59). We can help people get out of problems and reach their potential.
Second, when we are struggling with problems or seeking to grow, we should talk to people. We should not think that we have to go at it alone. Sometimes, this may mean hiring a coach or going to a counselor. Sometimes, it is just making friends and availing ourselves of them.
Alan Loy McGinnis tells a helpful story to illustrate the power of having friends. He was seeing a client who was reeling from a divorce. One of the questions he asked this woman was, “Are you close to anybody? Is there anybody that you can talk to about it?”
She replied, “Oh yes . . . I never would have made it through this mess without her. Actually, she’s twenty-six years older than me, but we tell each other all our secrets. We’re life-friends.”
McGinnis and the client came to a conclusion, “She is a fortunate woman, and we agreed at the end of the hour that as long as she had such a confidante, she didn’t need a shrink” (The Friendship Factor, 3). That’s the blessing of counseling, formal or informal.