Over the years, I have found myself struggling and not able to move forward. After reflection and prayer, I have come to certain principles that helped me keep going in the midst of leading a congregation, raising seven kids, earning three degrees, trying to be involved in the community, and trying to make my mark on the world. Here is principle #19 (not in order of importance) for keeping me sane and productive in an insane world.
Principle # 3: Embrace Small Talk
One thing I really don’t like at church is the time when people go around and just greet people for a few seconds. It seems awkward and pointless. I also feel bad for people who are visitors and just want to lurk and check things out. This is nothing compared to the awkwardness of what I have experienced visiting Hispanic churches. There, they ask if anyone is a first-time visitor. If they are, they have them stand up and clap for them or wave their bulletins. I find it super awkward, but many of the Hispanics who are first time visitors really seem to enjoy it. They are anxious to let the church know they are first-time visitors. I guess cultures are different.
Many people feel about small talk the way I feel about church greeting time and being welcomed a as a first-time visitor: awkward and pointless. I leaned that way for a long time. I just got irritated with conversations about the weather, and that seems to be the one thing everyone wants to talk about.
Then, I listened to this episode #406 of The Art of Manliness podcast, “Why You Should Embrace Small Talk” with Debra Fine. It changed my perspective completely. It taught me the basic principles for small talk and gave me reasons to embrace it.
Why Embrace Small Talk
Let’s start with the latter. Why should we embrace small talk?
First, we all need companionship. We live in a lonely world. By connecting with other people in this way, we can give a blessing to those around us, and can bless ourselves by feeling more connected to the community in which we live.
Second, we don’t know where it will go. You cannot go from no conversation to a good friendship. You have to have a starting point. Small talk is the bridge or at least the first step. It’s where things begin. You never know if the next person you connect with might be a person who fills a unique place in your life, gives you a new opportunity, becomes someone you help, or becomes a good friend. You’ve got to start somewhere.
Third, we have an obligation to love our neighbor, and we can love them by treating them as human and with dignity. Small talk is one way to honor people as human and worthy of respect. Jesus said, “And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:47–48). In other words, if you want to love like you are supposed to love, you have to have a general love for humans and not just a love for people you are comfortable with.
How to Do Small Talk
So, how do we do it?
The basic principle for small talk is simply talking about the situation you are in and how you got there. If you follow this principle, you will always have a basis for small talk.
I drive Uber part-time. One reason I do that is because I really enjoy meeting new people. I did not know that this is something I would really enjoy until I went to Egypt (another story for another time). But once I figured it out, it became deeply fulfilling for me. Uber also involves a lot of small talk.
My estimate is that 85% of my passengers will actually have a conversation with me. Some do not want to, and that is fine. I just think about other things, observe what’s around me, or listen to the music I play for my passengers.
Here’s what I do. I usually ask, “What are you up to on a Friday night (or whatever day it is)?” This can begin a whole conversation. Many people are visiting from other places. I can then ask, “Are you from here?” If they say no, then I ask where they are from. Other questions or comments easily follow after that. I can talk about the town I am in or the town where they came from. Sometimes the conversation ends quickly, but usually the conversation can continue. Sometimes, the conversations are really great. A week ago, I ended up talking about philosophy and theology, and my passenger stayed in the car for about five minutes after we arrived at the destination just to complete the conversation we had started.
Here’s another example. Let’s say you are at a wedding. At a wedding, you will know at best half of the people there. But what about the others? You can ask, what brings you to this wedding? What is your connection? This is usually enough to start a conversation.
One day after I learned this method of starting small talk, I was at Arby’s. I was standing with someone in line. I generally don’t talk to people in line. But I thought, “Why don’t I try the small talk skills I’m learning?” I did so. I asked them, “What do you all like here at Arby’s?” They told me. Then, I made a comment on it. We eventually started talking about church and our common interest in it. They told me how they were involved, and I learned something about another church in the community.
That doesn’t always happen. Some people might say “roast beef” and be done with it. Then, you go on to the next person. But some of them will say more. Some of them will give you a great conversation. You may end up connecting with some of them later. You may end up becoming friends with a few of them. One or two of them may become a really good friend. That’s the power of small talk.
Conclusion
Human connection is a crucial component for staying sane and productive in an insane world. Add small talk to your tool chest, and it will enable you to do a lot more of it.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope it was helpful to you. What do you think of this idea? I’d love to read your thoughts in the comment below. If you like this post, you can subscribe on the sidebar (laptop) or below (mobile) or share it on social media. I hope I will see you here again. God bless!
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash