Author: Wes White

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Jordan B. Peterson on How to Change Society

Over the past year, a surprising number of people have asked me, “What do you think of Jordan B. Peterson?” He’s made quite a stir.

A few weeks ago, I took some time to listen to some of his podcasts. You can get a good summary of his views (2.5 hours worth!) in his interview with Dr. Oz. If you like thinking deeply about ideas and how to implement them in the world, you will enjoy this podcast, probably irrespective of your view of Peterson.

I’m sure that I’ll have some critiques of Peterson later, but, for now, I’m trying to understand what he’s saying and learn what I can from him. Here’s what I heard.

Peterson’s greatest concern is how do we keep the world from turning into an awful, soul-crushing tyranny like the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany? He spent a lot of time thinking through this problem. He tried to analyze it from a political and economic perspective, but he did not believe that it gave an adequate explanation of why these societies became hell on earth.

His analysis led him to believe that the problem existed on an individual level. It wasn’t just a problem with the system. It was a problem with individuals taking responsibility for themselves and for doing good in their society.

Thus, in Peterson’s mind, the place to attack the problem of making society better is at the level of the individual. Each individual needs to take responsibility for him or herself and for doing good in their own area. That’s the best strategy for making society better.

At one point, Dr. Oz asked Peterson why he thought his ideas had resonated so much with the public. Peterson explained that taking responsibility is not easy. When you seek to take responsibility for yourself and to be better, it involves suffering and challenges. To confront our own demons and make ourselves better is daunting. Things will not be handed to you on a silver platter. You will have to work at them, and it will not be easy. Suffering is part of life.

Peterson observes that people know in the depths of their being that life is hard. When you tell them that it is, they can face reality more squarely. They can see that the difficulties they have faced are not some problem with them but the inherent challenge of living in this world. In an ironic way, this is an encouraging message as well as a helpful one.

If changing ourselves is important and difficult, how do we do it? Peterson suggests that we need to figure out what we want to be. We need to tell ourselves a story about what we could be and should be. Then, we need to develop a story of what life would be like if we don’t become what we could be and should be or even let our own pathology run amok. For example, if we work on developing skills, we will have a future self that can make a contribution. If we devote ourselves to drinking alcohol, we will not only not accomplish things but ruin our lives and our families and waste a bunch of money. We need the positive reinforcement of getting closer to our goals as well as the fear of what life could be like if it went the wrong way to motivate us to move beyond simply enjoying ourselves in the moment.

Once we have a clear vision of where we want to be, we must ask, what are the things I can do to help me get there? What do we need to do each day and week in order to move us toward our vision?

Here’s one way this has helped me think a bit better about about my goals. I took guitar lessons when I was in junior high. I have often wanted to pick the guitar back up, but I have often gotten discouraged at how much work or time it would take to get where I’d like to be. If I begin, however, by asking, what kind of guitarist can I be if I work on it 3-4 times a week over the course of 5 years, then the work is not so daunting. So, I’ve been doing that, and I can see that I’ve made progress since I took the guitar back up a couple of months ago. The long-term vision helps sustain us through the work that has to take place week by week, which is still far from our goals. One of my favorite quotes from Peterson is, “Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.”

In attempting to fulfill a vision for our lives, we will find that things are stacked up against us and that many things are unfair. At one point, Peterson compares life to a poker game. The cards are dealt, and it is not fair. You just have to play your own hand because that’s the only strategy you have. You can’t manufacture another life in which things will be fairer or easier than they are for you.

This does not mean that Peterson does not believe that there are structural inequities in what he calls the “hierarchies” of society. There are. Hierarchies dispossess people. It’s just that changing hierarchies is not the most significant aspect of societal change. The individual is.

Peterson also does not reject efforts to make the hierarchies more equitable. However, he suggests that in regard to systems, when you change them, you should be aware that changing them will result in unintended consequences. So, it takes tremendous wisdom and patience to change the structures of society. That’s why Peterson proposes that if you want to change the structures of society, have at it, but you might want to devote your life to careful thought about it and recognize that the progress will be very slow.

In contrast, working on yourself is relatively easy and much more effective. That’s why the individual is the focus for changing society.

It’s easy to see why Peterson’s ideas are compelling to so many. Peterson has a forceful and clear presentation that challenges the irresponsibility of our age and speaks truth about the difficulties of life. He also presents hope for society because each person can work on that over which they have the most control, their selves.

Obviously, an evangelical Christian will have issues with Peterson, but there is much to learn from him. There is also much more to explore in his thought. I have not even touched on his approach to literature or the Bible, which is something I want to explore and think about. In thinking about society, however, his emphasis on individual transformation is an encouraging one that is worth considering. Even if it is more necessary to change societal structures than Peterson suggests, the course of action he suggests for an individual would still have many positive benefits for the individual and those in contact with that individual.

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How to Build a Flourishing Marriage

“Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.” What Jordan B. Peterson says in regard to self-improvement applies equally to marriages. No marriage becomes a flourishing marriage overnight. It takes time and work.

So, why put in the time and effort? Because the rewards of a flourishing marriage are innumerable. When both spouses feel deeply loved and cared for, able to share their hearts and minds, and able to help each other work toward common goals, the blessings are great not only for themselves but for everyone around them.

How, then, do we build flourishing marriages? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this question. I’ve read thousands of pages on family therapy. I’ve had the privilege of counseling people inside and outside of my congregation and been able to learn from the successes and failures of their marriages. I’ve also discussed marriage with colleagues, friends, and counselors. I’ve also been married for 18 years to the same woman.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned.

There is one verse in the Bible that encapsulates the heart of how marriage ought to work. It is Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

This verse indicates that there is to be a very close union between one man and one woman committed together for one lifetime. This close union becomes the priority for those who are a part of it. The spouses prioritize their own relationship and lessen the importance of other relationships.

Keep that verse in mind, and consider these seven guidelines that I believe flow out of a consideration of Genesis 2:24.

1. Prioritize the marriage relationship over the relationship with your parents. For a marriage to flourish, your relationship with your parents needs to become less important and your relationship with your spouse much more important. Rarely is it a good idea for spouses to seek counsel from their parents when they feel uncomfortable with the marriage relationship.

A friend of mine illustrated this by asking couples in pre-marital counseling, “Where are you going for Thanksgiving and Christmas?” Inevitably, one of them would say, “Going home.” He would then reply, “Where’s home?” He would use that as a hook to explain that home is where your spouse is, not where your parents are.

2. Prioritize the marriage relationship over your relationship with your children. Children easily become allies for one spouse or another in an uncomfortable marriage. It is a temptation to seek the emotional support you were looking for in a spouse in a child. This is not good for the child or the marriage. As one family therapist put it, “Keep the generations in the generations.” He viewed that as the central task in family therapy.

3. Prioritize the marriage relationship over your work. Many men who would never dream of having an affair, end up having an affair with their work. If you want your marriage to flourish, work cannot be a priority over the marriage relationship. Your relationship with your spouse should be a priority over your work.

4. Prioritize the marriage relationship, but don’t isolate it. Every spouse needs friends, interests, and opportunities outside of the marriage relationship. When all your hopes, dreams, and needs are wrapped up in your spouse, you place a burden on them that they cannot fulfill. In their proper place, relationships and interests outside the marriage enrich the marriage

5. Prioritize working on your relationship. It’s one thing to say you prioritize your relationship. It’s another thing to do so. Building relationships takes time. I would strongly suggest some sort of concrete plan to make sure that happens such as a date night or a time where you talk each week or day. Even if it’s just the two of you living at your house, it’s easy to get involved in other things and forget to touch base.

6. Prioritize your spouse’s needs. Everyone naturally begins with his or her own needs and fears. It’s easy to think of your own need for love, companionship, respect, and care. However, if one spouse can have the courage to begin with the other spouse’s needs, then it is more likely that the other spouse will be able to do the same. “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” This is what the Apostle Paul meant when he told wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives: begin with thinking of your contribution to the relationship and what the other spouse needs.

7. Assert your own wants and needs. Some people only think about their own needs. This is the subject of #6. Others never do so. This is not a recipe for a flourishing marriage. As a short-term strategy, you should focus on the other spouse’s needs, but you cannot ignore your own long-term and have a flourishing marriage. You need to assert your own desires and needs.

Note well: this is distinct from telling the other spouse what they should do or rebuking them. Instead of getting angry that your spouse is not sitting in the room with you, tell your spouse that you would like to have their presence and that it would make you feel good. This is risky because it makes you vulnerable. However, without this, other people do not know what you want, can’t easily give you what you want, and feel condemned for not doing something you didn’t ask them to do! This is not a recipe for a flourishing marriage. So, assert your own wants and needs without demanding a response. A gentle assertion of our wants or needs goes a long way.

This may sound like a lot of work. It is! It’s also hard, but a flourishing marriage is one of the best ways to ensure our long-term happiness and bless those around us.

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Barzillai Willey, or The Unknown Impact of Ancestry

“Do you know who Barzillai is?” I asked my Grandfather.

“No.” He replied. “I don’t believe I do.”

I asked my Father the same thing. Neither one of them knew who the biblical character Barzillai was.

Now, that’s not a slight on my Father or Grandfather. These two men are ministers, and they knew their Bibles. It just shows how obscure Barzillai is in the Bible.

It makes it all the more surprising that the story of Barzillai must have captivated Isaac and Deliverance Willey so much that they named one of their sons “Barzillai.”

For the record, Barzillai was an elderly rich man who aided King David when he fled for his life from his son Absalom who had just carried out a successful coup d’état. King David crossed the Jordan River tired and hungry. Barzillai brought him supplies and encouragement.

Barzillai Willey was born in 1734 in Lyme, CT. He died in 1771. He was a veteran of the French and Indian War, and he had a son whom he named–Barzillai!

The second Barzillai was born in 1764. As a very young man, he became a soldier in the Continental Army in the Connecticut Line and served at the Battle of Saratoga. After the Revolution, Barzillai became a Methodist minister. Eventually, he moved his family to Clark County, Indiana.

He had a son whom he named Barzillai, but my own interest is in his son Dennis Willey, who is my 4th Great Grandfather. Dennis Willey was a Methodist minister like his Father.

One of his daughters was named Margaret Minerva Willey, and she married Jairus McMillan. Jairus had left his home in Oneida County, New York, and traveled on foot from farmhouse to farmhouse to southern Indiana. There, he met Margaret, and they were married in 1855.

Apparently, the ministry was very important to Margaret Willey, and she longed to have a son who would be a minister like her father. Her desires were answered in her son, Clyde Holmes McMillan, who became a Methodist minsiter. Incidentally, Clyde married a minister’s daughter named Florence Mae Maupin, daughter of William Maupin.

Margaret Willey was so excited about her son Clyde being a minister that, according to my McMillan cousins, she would take out ads in the paper any time Clyde would come back home to North Vernon, IN to preach.

Clyde and Florence had several children including my Great Grandmother Roberta McMillan. Roberta developed a love for God and His Word in her early years. As she described it: “My Father would read a passage of Scripture and then our family would kneel at our chairs for prayer. It was here a reverence and love sprang up in my heart for God’s Word in those early years.”

This same devotion led my Great Grandmother to God’s Bible School in Cincinnati and then to a desire to go to the mission field. After graduating, both My Great Grandmother and my Great Grandfather were on their way to serve in Africa–separately.

Clarence said goodbye to his friends and family and headed off to Africa first. During that time, his Father, James Mason Keith, had a dream that Clarence had come back to find a wife. Everybody laughed because they knew that Clarence was off to Africa. Unbeknownst to them, the documents for the trip had not been filed properly, and Clarence had to return home. While he was home, he paid Roberta a visit and asked her to marry him. She assented, and they went to Africa together.

There, Clarence and Roberta had eight children. Their three sons were also ministers, one of whom was David Keith, the Grandfather I mentioned in the introduction to this story. Three of the daughters married ministers.

My Grandfather and Grandmother David and Huberta Carver Keith also met at God’s School of the Bible, and they ended up in Africa as missionaries. There, they had four children, the oldest of whom is my Mother.

When my Mother was 19, she met my Father, Sam White, at what was then Marion College and is now Indiana Wesleyan University. Undoubtedly, part of my Mother’s attraction to my Father was that he was planning on being a minister. From a young age, My Mother had had a desire to serve the Lord and was happy to partner with my Father to serve Christ and His church.

Their son, John Wesley White, never wanted to be a minister. I don’t believe it ever even crossed my mind growing up. I even went in a different direction theologically. I moved away from the Wesleyan Church and went into the Presbyterian Church.

You always think that your destiny and decisions are your own. But here I am, an eighth generation minister. I wonder what good old Barzillai Willey would think of that.

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5 Things You Can Do to Help You Start Again

In life, you will have times where you have to start again. You have to leave college and start a job, you go to a new school, you lose a friend, or you move to a new place.

Some new starts are harder than others. Three of the hardest are a loved one’s death, the empty nest, and retirement. When someone close to you dies, especially a spouse, almost everything in your life is different. They were a part of everything you did. This is similar to the empty nest. For women especially, you may have built your life around nurturing your children. That shaped each day. Now, every single day is radically different than it was before. For men, the biggest change is often retirement. You found status and meaning in your work. It structured your whole life. Now, you have to fill large chunks of time that work previously occupied. These are all huge changes!

How do we start again when our life changes so dramatically? How do we move forward when we didn’t want things to change?

There are no easy answers to this question. Adjusting mentally to new places and situations takes time, and it is not easy. Each person has to follow their own path. It’s very hard to know the exact pattern that things will follow when you move forward.

That said, I think there are some things that we can do that will help us start again. Here are five.

1. Take time to say good-bye. Our lives are so busy that sometimes we forget the need to mentally say good-bye to a past way of life. Funerals are one way we do this, but often we rush through funerals. Ancient people would take extended time to mourn a loss or mark a transition. When it comes to the human soul, fast is not necessarily efficient.

2. Be patient waiting for the new start. Even after we’ve said good-bye to the old way of life, we don’t immediately embrace the new or even see the new pattern of life. We may have to wait a long time before we get a vision for a new stage of life.

For me, I saw this happen when I turned 40. I realized that the vision for life I had had from my youth was now complete. I had accomplished everything I had envisioned: wife, stable job and finances, education, kids, etc. I started to ask, what now? A year and a half later, I’m just now beginning to get a vision for something bigger for the next stage of my life.

3. Have hope that a new beginning will come. People do adjust to new situations. It takes time, but it happens. For Christians, we have all sorts of resources from the God of hope (Rom. 15:13). If there is a passage of Scripture that particularly awakens hope within you, cling to it and let it seep down deep in your soul. Here are a few that have particularly helped me:

  • I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you (John 15:16).
  • For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10).
  • Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9).

4. Ask: what do I really want to do and be? Most of us have rarely asked this question. In addition, it may be too hard ask this question in the midst of the pain of saying good-bye. When our head clears a bit, it’s a good time to ask it. I would also suggest that our transition will be easier if we ask these questions envisioning questions before we get to the transition. Here’s a few other ways to ask it:

  • What would I do at home if I had a completely free week without any obligation to take care of others or do a job?
  • If I could retire today, what would I do with my time?
  • What could my life be in 5 years if I worked at it a little bit every day?

5. Ask: what are my current opportunities? Here we can start very small. Who are the people we can reach out to? Who are friends we haven’t talked to in a little while? Does our garage need cleaning? Can we pick up a guitar and start playing it? As we start working on the small things and connecting with those closest to us, a larger vision eventually will emerge.

Starting new is rarely an easy or quick process. However, if we recognize that it is a process, we can smooth the way a bit. If we can even now begin to envision life in different scenarios, we will be better prepared to meet them when we come. If we can fill our hearts with hope from the God of hope, we will be less afraid, more encouraged, and more courageous when the new opportunity comes.

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Classic Resources for Reducing Frustration and Anger

“Marcus Aurelius had a vision for Rome, and this is NOT IT!” Thus thundered Maximus in the well-known movie Gladiator. It’s also something I kept saying to my wife over several weeks while reading Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. Not because the line itself is profound, but because it kept forcing its way into my mind—and out of my mouth.

Most people know Marcus Aurelius because of Gladiator. Long before that movie, however, he was famous because of his life and because of his book Meditations. In essence, Meditations is a self-help book—one people are still reading 1,800 years after it was written. There is a simple explanation: it helps.

Marcus Aurelius wrote these reflections while defending the borders of the Roman Empire. The book consists of brief, self-contained passages drawn from Stoic philosophy. Each one is meant to retrain perception—to help Aurelius, and the reader, live peacefully with reality as it actually is rather than as one wishes it to be.

The central claim is uncompromising: “If you are pained about any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it.” Frustration is something we supply. And—Marcus relentlessly insists—we have the power to judge differently. Meditations is a manual for learning how to do that, so that anger and resentment give way to tranquility.

A few examples show how this works.

When things go badly: “Remember, too, on every occasion that leads you to vexation to apply this principle: not that this is a misfortune, but that to bear it nobly is good fortune” (4.49).

When you don’t want to get up early: “In the morning when you rise unwillingly, let this thought be present. I am rising to the work of a human being. Why then am I dissatisfied if I am going into the world for things for which I exist and for which I was brought into this world?” (5.1).

When you dislike where you live: “[W]here a man can live, there he can live well” (5.16).

When you can’t get away: “Men seek retreats for themselves, houses in the country, seashores, and mountains; and you, too, are wont to desire such things very much. But this is altogether a mark of the most common sort of men, for it is in your power whenever you choose to retire into yourself. . . . tranquility is nothing else than the good ordering of the mind” (4.3).

One of the book’s most penetrating insights is that human beings are social animals. “For we are made for cooperation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of the upper and lower teeth” (2.1). We are made to work together. For that reason, “[t]o act against one another then is contrary to nature and it is acting against one another to be vexed and to turn away” (ibid.). This theme recurs constantly: those who act against others violate their own nature—and in doing so, injure themselves.

From this follows an important implication. When someone wrongs us, they cannot truly harm us, because we remain free to act according to our own nature. That does not mean we never correct others. But when correction is rejected, we must bear with them. This, too, is demanded by our nature.

The same logic applies to doing good. Loving others and acting for the common good is natural—and therefore its own reward. As Marcus Aurelius puts it: “Have I done something for the general interest? Well, then, I have had my reward. Let this always be present to your mind and never stop doing such good” (11.4). If we lived this way, we would be far less anxious about recognition or gratitude.

One place I struggle to put this into practice is driving. As a result, I’ve resolved to let others drive as they wish and refuse to let it govern my emotions.

Recently, I was waiting for a gas pump. I couldn’t pull directly behind the car already there, so I waited slightly to the side. When that car pulled away, another driver quickly darted in and took the spot.

My immediate reaction was clear: “What a jerk!”

Then I remembered Marcus Aurelius. The driver either didn’t know I was waiting, or he did. If he didn’t know, it was an honest mistake and not worth anger. If he did know, then he harmed only himself by acting contrary to his social nature. Waiting a few extra seconds injured me not at all. And who knows what urgency, pressure, or trouble that driver carried with him that day?

Moments later, I pulled up to another pump, filled my tank, and left the gas station . . . with a calm and genuine tranquility.

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