Posts

Posted on

Encouragement for Parents

Parenting is a scary thing. You have responsibility for a precious little life, and there are a lot of things that can go wrong. The atmosphere of parenting is anxiety, and the family is a sort of anxiety generator.

The trouble with anxiety is that it is an emotion that is not always (not often?) based on reality. Anxiety leads us away from thinking and to action that is rooted in emotion rather than reality. Sometimes, anxieties about people become self-fulfilling prophecies. We may have had parents whom we thought were too strict. This may have led us or our siblings to act in ways that led to harm. Out of fear of this, we may not set boundaries for our children. This may end up harming them. So, then our kids go overboard emphasizing boundaries. Anxiety has a way of working through the generations.

I have seven kids from ages 5 to 16. I have tried to be a less anxious parent without disengaging from my children. As I have tried to look at reality and not just go by my feelings, I have seen quite a few things that have encouraged me. I would like to share that with you here.

The number one thing is to relax about parenting. In spite of the challenges of our times, parents do have a big influence on their kids. Most kids figure out how to deal with life and become relatively productive members of society. The long-term trends and statistics for parenting are good. There are exceptions, but the overall picture is relatively positive. You can influence your kids in a positive direction. Continue reading “Encouragement for Parents”

Posted on

The Benefit of Respecting Your Husband and Loving Your Wife

Just mentioning that wives should respect their husbands can be controversial. Who is a guy to think that he can tell women what they should do? What is the basis for telling wives that they should respect their husbands, let alone submit to them?

The basis is the Bible. The Apostle Paul wrote, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33).

One irony of this verse is that when Paul wrote it, there was nothing less controversial than the idea that wives should respect and submit to their husbands. Everyone would have agreed with that. What would have seemed strange was the idea that the husband should love his wife and cherish her.

Today, the situation is reversed. The idea of a husband loving his wife is a no-brainer. The idea that a wife should respect her husband unconditionally seems strange and even wrong.

Yet there it is: husbands, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands.

One reason that people may fear the language of unconditional respect is fear that husbands will misuse that respect and even abuse their wives. The problem with this perspective is what Dr. Emerson Eggerichs noted in his book Love and Respect. There are marriages where there are people of bad will. In such cases, the marriage may have to end. In cases of abuse, the spouse should draw clear boundaries and certainly seek safety where his or her life or health is threatened. What Dr. Eggerichs noted, however, was that many marriages of people of good will end as well. He wondered, why should this be the case?

This led him as a Pastor and Counselor to consider the verse that we just cited, Ephesians 5:33.

He then asked, why does it tell the husband and the wife to do two different things? Why the focus on love for the husband and respect for the wife? Continue reading “The Benefit of Respecting Your Husband and Loving Your Wife”

Posted on

A Help Meet for Her

Would you take a bullet for your wife? “Yes!” is the answer most husbands would emphatically and unequivocally give.

Would you be willing to get closer to your wife, take care of the kids, or clean the toilets? Not so much.

Let’s be honest, men. The first is natural to us. We will provide and protect, but getting close to our wives in a way that is meaningful to them or helping them in the domestic sphere is not as natural or easy.

It is easy for a man in particular to get focused on the work world and the development of his skills in the world. It is easy to forget that as married people, we are there not only to get support in our own work but to give support to our wives in the development of their life in the world.

The Old King Jimmy describes Eve as a “help meet” for Adam. What that means is that Eve fit with Adam. She was a great partner to help him with the tasks that God had given him.

It is important to note, however, that Adam was also a “help meet” for Eve. He was a great partner to help her with the tasks that God had given her. As The Westminster Confession of Faith (the historic confession of the Presbyterian Church) puts it: “Marriage was ordained for the mutual help of husband and wife . . .” (24.1). Continue reading “A Help Meet for Her”

Posted on

Jordan B. Peterson on How to Change Society

Over the past year, a surprising number of people have asked me, “What do you think of Jordan B. Peterson?” He’s made quite a stir.

A few weeks ago, I took some time to listen to some of his podcasts. You can get a good summary of his views (2.5 hours worth!) in his interview with Dr. Oz. If you like thinking deeply about ideas and how to implement them in the world, you will enjoy this podcast, probably irrespective of your view of Peterson.

I’m sure that I’ll have some critiques of Peterson later, but, for now, I’m trying to understand what he’s saying and learn what I can from him. Here’s what I heard.

Peterson’s greatest concern is how do we keep the world from turning into an awful, soul-crushing tyranny like the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany? He spent a lot of time thinking through this problem. He tried to analyze it from a political and economic perspective, but he did not believe that it gave an adequate explanation of why these societies became hell on earth.

His analysis led him to believe that the problem existed on an individual level. It wasn’t just a problem with the system. It was a problem with individuals taking responsibility for themselves and for doing good in their society.

Thus, in Peterson’s mind, the place to attack the problem of making society better is at the level of the individual. Each individual needs to take responsibility for him or herself and for doing good in their own area. That’s the best strategy for making society better.

At one point, Dr. Oz asked Peterson why he thought his ideas had resonated so much with the public. Peterson explained that taking responsibility is not easy. When you seek to take responsibility for yourself and to be better, it involves suffering and challenges. To confront our own demons and make ourselves better is daunting. Things will not be handed to you on a silver platter. You will have to work at them, and it will not be easy. Suffering is part of life.

Peterson observes that people know in the depths of their being that life is hard. When you tell them that it is, they can face reality more squarely. They can see that the difficulties they have faced are not some problem with them but the inherent challenge of living in this world. In an ironic way, this is an encouraging message as well as a helpful one.

If changing ourselves is important and difficult, how do we do it? Peterson suggests that we need to figure out what we want to be. We need to tell ourselves a story about what we could be and should be. Then, we need to develop a story of what life would be like if we don’t become what we could be and should be or even let our own pathology run amok. For example, if we work on developing skills, we will have a future self that can make a contribution. If we devote ourselves to drinking alcohol, we will not only not accomplish things but ruin our lives and our families and waste a bunch of money. We need the positive reinforcement of getting closer to our goals as well as the fear of what life could be like if it went the wrong way to motivate us to move beyond simply enjoying ourselves in the moment.

Once we have a clear vision of where we want to be, we must ask, what are the things I can do to help me get there? What do we need to do each day and week in order to move us toward our vision?

Here’s one way this has helped me think a bit better about about my goals. I took guitar lessons when I was in junior high. I have often wanted to pick the guitar back up, but I have often gotten discouraged at how much work or time it would take to get where I’d like to be. If I begin, however, by asking, what kind of guitarist can I be if I work on it 3-4 times a week over the course of 5 years, then the work is not so daunting. So, I’ve been doing that, and I can see that I’ve made progress since I took the guitar back up a couple of months ago. The long-term vision helps sustain us through the work that has to take place week by week, which is still far from our goals. One of my favorite quotes from Peterson is, “Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.”

In attempting to fulfill a vision for our lives, we will find that things are stacked up against us and that many things are unfair. At one point, Peterson compares life to a poker game. The cards are dealt, and it is not fair. You just have to play your own hand because that’s the only strategy you have. You can’t manufacture another life in which things will be fairer or easier than they are for you.

This does not mean that Peterson does not believe that there are structural inequities in what he calls the “hierarchies” of society. There are. Hierarchies dispossess people. It’s just that changing hierarchies is not the most significant aspect of societal change. The individual is.

Peterson also does not reject efforts to make the hierarchies more equitable. However, he suggests that in regard to systems, when you change them, you should be aware that changing them will result in unintended consequences. So, it takes tremendous wisdom and patience to change the structures of society. That’s why Peterson proposes that if you want to change the structures of society, have at it, but you might want to devote your life to careful thought about it and recognize that the progress will be very slow.

In contrast, working on yourself is relatively easy and much more effective. That’s why the individual is the focus for changing society.

It’s easy to see why Peterson’s ideas are compelling to so many. Peterson has a forceful and clear presentation that challenges the irresponsibility of our age and speaks truth about the difficulties of life. He also presents hope for society because each person can work on that over which they have the most control, their selves.

Obviously, an evangelical Christian will have issues with Peterson, but there is much to learn from him. There is also much more to explore in his thought. I have not even touched on his approach to literature or the Bible, which is something I want to explore and think about. In thinking about society, however, his emphasis on individual transformation is an encouraging one that is worth considering. Even if it is more necessary to change societal structures than Peterson suggests, the course of action he suggests for an individual would still have many positive benefits for the individual and those in contact with that individual.

Posted on

How to Build a Flourishing Marriage

“Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday.” What Jordan B. Peterson says in regard to self-improvement applies equally to marriages. No marriage becomes a flourishing marriage overnight. It takes time and work.

So, why put in the time and effort? Because the rewards of a flourishing marriage are innumerable. When both spouses feel deeply loved and cared for, able to share their hearts and minds, and able to help each other work toward common goals, the blessings are great not only for themselves but for everyone around them.

How, then, do we build flourishing marriages? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this question. I’ve read thousands of pages on family therapy. I’ve had the privilege of counseling people inside and outside of my congregation and been able to learn from the successes and failures of their marriages. I’ve also discussed marriage with colleagues, friends, and counselors. I’ve also been married for 18 years to the same woman.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned.

There is one verse in the Bible that encapsulates the heart of how marriage ought to work. It is Genesis 2:24: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

This verse indicates that there is to be a very close union between one man and one woman committed together for one lifetime. This close union becomes the priority for those who are a part of it. The spouses prioritize their own relationship and lessen the importance of other relationships.

Keep that verse in mind, and consider these seven guidelines that I believe flow out of a consideration of Genesis 2:24.

1. Prioritize the marriage relationship over the relationship with your parents. For a marriage to flourish, your relationship with your parents needs to become less important and your relationship with your spouse much more important. Rarely is it a good idea for spouses to seek counsel from their parents when they feel uncomfortable with the marriage relationship.

A friend of mine illustrated this by asking couples in pre-marital counseling, “Where are you going for Thanksgiving and Christmas?” Inevitably, one of them would say, “Going home.” He would then reply, “Where’s home?” He would use that as a hook to explain that home is where your spouse is, not where your parents are.

2. Prioritize the marriage relationship over your relationship with your children. Children easily become allies for one spouse or another in an uncomfortable marriage. It is a temptation to seek the emotional support you were looking for in a spouse in a child. This is not good for the child or the marriage. As one family therapist put it, “Keep the generations in the generations.” He viewed that as the central task in family therapy.

3. Prioritize the marriage relationship over your work. Many men who would never dream of having an affair, end up having an affair with their work. If you want your marriage to flourish, work cannot be a priority over the marriage relationship. Your relationship with your spouse should be a priority over your work.

4. Prioritize the marriage relationship, but don’t isolate it. Every spouse needs friends, interests, and opportunities outside of the marriage relationship. When all your hopes, dreams, and needs are wrapped up in your spouse, you place a burden on them that they cannot fulfill. In their proper place, relationships and interests outside the marriage enrich the marriage

5. Prioritize working on your relationship. It’s one thing to say you prioritize your relationship. It’s another thing to do so. Building relationships takes time. I would strongly suggest some sort of concrete plan to make sure that happens such as a date night or a time where you talk each week or day. Even if it’s just the two of you living at your house, it’s easy to get involved in other things and forget to touch base.

6. Prioritize your spouse’s needs. Everyone naturally begins with his or her own needs and fears. It’s easy to think of your own need for love, companionship, respect, and care. However, if one spouse can have the courage to begin with the other spouse’s needs, then it is more likely that the other spouse will be able to do the same. “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” This is what the Apostle Paul meant when he told wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives: begin with thinking of your contribution to the relationship and what the other spouse needs.

7. Assert your own wants and needs. Some people only think about their own needs. This is the subject of #6. Others never do so. This is not a recipe for a flourishing marriage. As a short-term strategy, you should focus on the other spouse’s needs, but you cannot ignore your own long-term and have a flourishing marriage. You need to assert your own desires and needs.

Note well: this is distinct from telling the other spouse what they should do or rebuking them. Instead of getting angry that your spouse is not sitting in the room with you, tell your spouse that you would like to have their presence and that it would make you feel good. This is risky because it makes you vulnerable. However, without this, other people do not know what you want, can’t easily give you what you want, and feel condemned for not doing something you didn’t ask them to do! This is not a recipe for a flourishing marriage. So, assert your own wants and needs without demanding a response. A gentle assertion of our wants or needs goes a long way.

This may sound like a lot of work. It is! It’s also hard, but a flourishing marriage is one of the best ways to ensure our long-term happiness and bless those around us.

Proudly powered by WordPress